Once again I am in a position where I have completely drained myself dealing with people. This time is going to be different I will no longer make promises unless I am 100% sure I can keep it and I won’t do for anyone unless I first do for myself or unless the person has proven to be worthy of my “love”. I am surrounded by so many people who say they come in love but they all seem to come to me as emotional and spiritual vampires. It all has to be psychologically damaging me in some way. People who call themselves friends throw away the friendship as if it were nothing, people who take and take and never offer anything in return…I am drained. It all really hurts me. I may be pissed at someone but friendship is family right? I met this kindred spirit on Facebook, Latonya Babb, and she has liberated herself from the concept of “friendships” and I so admire her for that. I need to realize that these toxic people really are of no consequence in my life and that I should not be so eager to please. But once again, everyone seems to be takers so how in the WORLD am I suppose to determine who comes or doesn’t come in love. How can I tell the true lovers when I never really experienced a love where I had to give nothing other than me…not my talents or money but me. I don’t know what that even feels like.
And I mentioned One-Time before…poor guy. His timing is so off. If he is the one, then its really going to be hard for him because my guards are so up. For years I had no interest in a relationship and in walks my supposed night in shining armor. I so want to believe what he says but I’ve heard it all before and I can’t accept him into my heart like I want. I just hope when we meet there is an attraction there because if I’m not physically attracted to him then there really is no chance for him. I guess only time will tell.
Well I finally finished two paintings for a school auction and everyone seems to love it but I can’t see the beauty in them because I am so depressed. I am truly a sad case. I have turned my phone off and I will not be answering emails or text messages. I need a break from it all. I plan on driving to San Diego this weekend…just me. I will call mom to let her know my intentions and with this trip will come clarity.
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