I have had panic attacks for three days straight, as I’m typing this…guess what? Im having a panic attack. I’ve gone through so much with this man, I ain’t never hurt the way I’ve hurt with him in my entire life and here I am. Doing what I said I’d never do again, saying what I said I’d never say again, going against everything.

My soul wants to see him, happy he wants to see me, happy he came back to me. My spirit? The engine that drives everything has had enough stress, anxiety, hurt, pain, disregard and any other emotion to last a lifetime and she is going NUTS. I don’t even know how I’ll even function, I just hope I don’t embarrass myself and faint and folks have to call an ambulance…smh…with breathing tubes and IVs and shit lol. And I know me, today at work I couldn’t breathe, felt nauseous and the only thing my body wanted to do was knock my ass out so I could stop freaking out. I was talking to a client and I had to fight to be courteous and remember to breath. So he’s talking to me, I’m having a panic attack, half about to pass out, half about to vomit and guess how the call ends?

It was so refreshing speaking to you. Thank you so much for your attention and time Asherah Amyas.

Here I am about to die and he tells me, how refreshing I am?. I tell you, we women are the best at putting on performances aren’t we?  Wow.

And I can’t even talk myself down from it, like when I conquered my fear of heights, because its not an irrational fear, it truly is justified to be terrified. So what am I doing? Is this what forgiveness feels like? Or perhaps, I’m just not ready? What if everything I felt is justified and things end badly once again? How can my spirit ever forgive me for ignoring such glorious warning signs and choosing to trust that Love is not dead? Catch 22