From Behind Clouded Glass (Introducing my Sun)
I’ve met an amazing being, I call him Ra, my Sun God, my Light bringer, I’ve been hesitating writing about Him for so many reasons but the root cause is fear…that He’s a temporary fixture in my life, that its all apart of some bet or running game, that quite a few of my female friends had to endure, that He isn’t truly interested in a plain girl like me and that he doesn’t Love me for who I am. All of that has prevented me from writing about Him and just to write those words? Took me over an hour.
He’s here to help heal, I know that, I see that clearly, when I peek at him from behind clouded glass; however, I never choose to be in such a vulnerable state for long. Yesterday, he asked if I had ever dealt with clinical depression, I didn’t see the Love behind the question, and I got upset and took it personal. Why? Because I was behind clouded glass, I thought it was an attempt by him to make me seem crazy and delusional and to put me down, degrade me, to make me into the “crazy black woman” and I was not going to allow it. But after the dust settles, I peek at him from behind clouded glass, I look at him through Loves eyes, and see he was only concerned for the sadness he has witnessed me feel. All I had to ask him was to take a peek outside the clouded glass with me, and ask “Ra, my God, my King, when do you ever see me sad, what has happened immediately before?”And if he sees everything clearly, his answer will be, “when we’ve argued or you decided to leave.” and if he looks even deeper, through Love’s eyes, he will see how much Love I have in my Soul for him. I don’t try to act hard about it, I don’t hold it in, when someone I Love is no longer there it hurts. It’s not a sign of depression, its a sign of something near and dear to my heart is being ripped away. We have to be able to see each other fully to understand such things. We know the beauty of the other but its this clouded glass…our protection from each other…from our healing…that is our problem.
Exposing Myself: I am Crazy
One of His biggest and most profound discoveries about me was that I am crazy. He got it right 100%! I was so excited that He did. He came out of meditation and God said, “She crazy…and its ok.” He’s nicknamed my MJ, yes short for Michael Jackson, and I can so relate! I Love it! Wow, this man truly sees me! And so we are happy, skipping hand and hand and then Ra asks MJ a question…
Now a question like “What do you want to eat?” may seem like it would have a direct response but for me? MJ? It turns into “I don’t know. You know I had a stomach virus last week so I have to really watch what I eat, I can’t have oily foods or foods that are left out in the open that can become contaminated. I really like Miso Soup so I would consider Chinese food but you know what, Miso might of made me sick too so I don’t know. Why don’t you decide?”
*giggling* The MJ’s of the world would base what they want to eat not on logic first but emotion and unless someone says, “Ok just focus for just a bit and give me a one word response.” Things “avalanche” into a whole other world of possibilities. You can’t analyze it and say “They just Love to hear themselves talk” because thats not the case, we want to be free to work things out both logically and emotionally before making a decision.
You can’t analyze a crazy person because the way they think, the way they are wired is COMPLETELY different from how others think. And analyzing us through purely logical eyes is so unfair. Wanting us to be something we are not is so unfair. Seeking to stifle our method of communication is so unfair. Its like telling a baby to stop baby babbling because its driving you crazy…and that is so unfair. And the minute someone needs me to change, no compromising, I can only walk away because we should never sacrifice who we are for anyone…thats why walking away is so easy for me.
Communicating with a Crazy Person…
…requires a lot of patience. You can’t assume what we are thinking, more than likely if you are logical? You will almost, always be wrong, so ask us. We are usually thinking from a place of Love, and if ever we are mean or difficult its for protection. Our hearts lead, our minds follow, knowing that, its not entirely impossible to communicate with us, it requires only that you look at us through Love’s eyes and then perhaps you’ll see the beauty in it, what makes us special. <3
Stay tuned, he gave me so much insight into how I know he Loves me yesterday but for now the man remains a mystery to me. *smile*
Leave A Comment