Do you know you were the man of my dreams? I loved how we built together, the sharing of resources with complete and utter trust, the way you told me what to do, the way I loved to be told what to do, how when I cried it always stopped you cold in your tracks, you didn’t tell lies, we planned for the future, the way you made Love to me, I loved that when you first made love to me and I cried you didn’t stop,

I loved how each time we saw each other you left something behind, (you were just delirious out of your mind, who doesn’t reach for their car keys before walking out a door lol and you walked out that door, every time so carefree and all but forgot to get dressed before you left) , the times you told me to stop looking at your butt from behind and you were always right, I loved playing with your little tufts of curls while you slept (you never felt a thing), I loved how your eyes seemed to sparkle sometimes, I loved your eye lashes and brows, I loved your beautiful face, your smile and how your fingernails were always clean, I loved that you always carried my bags, the way every Vision you had we brought to life, when I really got your vision and what you were thinking it turned you on, the way you changed and brought in just the slightest bit of Love when I came around, when I came to visit you drove every time, I loved how you would just take control like this, I loved how you made me laugh, I absolutely loved to make you laugh, I loved when you meditated and your reveal was “she crazy” and you started calling me MJ, I loved how silly we were together, although for the strangest reason I was terrified of meeting your mom you’d tell me you couldn’t wait for me to meet her, i loved that you told me you wanted me to meet your children, I loved that you said you were loyal and only had two partners and one of them included me, I loved how you spoke to me when we were together…you were so powerful and I couldn’t open my mouth to really say a thing, I just wept, when you hug me you never let go first, I loved so many things about you, about me with you…about us…it was so perfect Tank. You were everything I had ever prayed and dreamed for and then I woke up and realized my dream had ended and almost everything was an illusion.

Tank why would I draw that to myself? Bring to me a Love that I’ve never ever felt for someone and then find out it really was all a dream and all I’m left holding is the Love I have for you? Why would I do that to myself? I don’t know if I keep repeating the death of my father in my men or what? My father loved me so much and he would take me with him every where he went even when he was hanging with his buddies his baby girl was right there and then he died. Tank? He died and left me here by myself, no one loved me like my papa Tank and he died. And I keep repeating this experience, drawing men to me who make me all of these promises and then like a gust of wind it’s all gone away and most times it was all a dream. I want to rewrite this because it’s so painful and no matter how good of a girl I was my father left me and my men lie and leave me. And they always leave first, always, even when I have to walk away it wasn’t I that left it was them. It may look like I’m the one breaking up with them but in actuality it is I who’d been left way before I said goodbye. I have to rewrite it Tank I have to learn…no I have to be taught that all dreams don’t die and that some do come true.

If there was ever…EVER a woman who Loves a man…it is me loving you. And I don’t care how big of a stupid fool it makes me knowing all I know now but Love when it’s real will never, ever go away. I don’t care what gets revealed, it will never go away, I imagine it’s the same Love a mother has for her child. It never goes away but there comes a time you have to let them go and fly out of the nest and I’ll just look at “us” in this way. You don’t want to let go, you want to make sure they’re safe and doing the right things and staying out of trouble but you can’t mother hen, after a while all you can do is pray and just let go…just let go.