By Published On: October 29th, 20120 Comments

The Phoenix – Entry #4: I Remember Us

I don’t know where I’ll begin…I don’t even know what to say to you. All I can begin to do is first apologize and let you know I miss you and begin to make amends.

I have it now, I want to let you know a few things. It was never my intention to abandon you. I never sought to hurt you however I ended up doing it any way.

I remember us…I remember us *inhale* *exhale*

…how we use to be so in tune with Love. The walks in the forrest, playing with butterflies, soaking our feet in river streams, basking in the glow of Ra while sunning ourselves on cool boulders that seemed to be placed in just the right spot for us to enjoy. I even remember capturing images of the little people on one of our outings. We truly had an eye when it came to photography and caught some of the most intimate experiences I had ever witnessed. Remember? We had signed up for humanitarian efforts to help rebuild our communities through our children and our families. We were so very artistic, we wrote almost everyday, we were healthy, we were One. We were doing everything we ever wished to do. We were enjoying our lives, our gifts, as the Creators intended.

Then somehow…no not somehow…then we separated…no I left…when I re-discovered man. I met the most beautiful of men, strong, loving, great fathers, excellent lovers and they Loved me. It felt so good to finally feel their warmth, their protection, their unconditional Love for me. I thought it the best feeling in the world at the time. I felt comforted. I felt protected. It was familiar…but how? and I indulged. I stopped doing what we loved to do and started paying more attention to what they loved and what moved them. I wanted to keep them happy so that I would continue to feel that warmth, that protection and slowly I traded our Love for theirs. I let go of your hand and tried to take theirs into mines…it didn’t work out so well.

Slowly they began neglecting me…releasing the love I so longed for. The love that every little girl longs for, the love of her father. I sought it so desperately but it was as trying to escape a pit of quick sand and  I began slowly sinking, not understanding why, drowning in the black abyss and no one could hear my screams. No one cared. I wondered, how can someone neglect another human being like this? How could you say you loved me but now I’m ugly, but now you leave me on the roadside, but now you can’t even say you want me around, but now you can’t even say you love me in return, but now you’d rather watch a football game than be with your woman…your wife…your love? How could things have gone so wrong? (pause) (pause)

I would constantly have this vision of a lotus, beautiful and glowing surrounded by a sea of black and I always thought it was me, the lotus and the world was the sea of black. Now as I am writing this it was I that became the sea of darkness and contained within me was…is this lotus. I buried me inside of me. Now I have become sick. As I am writing this my head is swimming. I never got sick before. I have never even been hospitalized for anything, no illness stuck to me no matter what I did and now it seems to fit me just fine. I have started having these dizzy spells, long bouts of light headedness and I know I need to faint and pass out but still I have faith that I can overcome whatever is happening to my body and so I am now reaching out in desperation to any one I believe can help. I’ve had coaching sessions with the best Love has to offer and there is hope…

I remember us (pauses ’til dizzy spell subsides) I remember us.

So now things make sense to me, no one can attempt to exist outside themselves. I separated myself from you…from your Love…the greatest Love. How could I expect to experience the best when I didn’t give it to myself? How can I talk about someone neglecting me (pause)…..(pause)….when I had neglected the most beautiful person I know. I left her…smh…I…left her…how could I now expect anyone to stay? But…I remember us…I do…and its what keeps me going now. I feel you at times and other times not at all but I know you’re still there deep inside. When I unearth you…us…again everything will be better than it was before. They always say, you never miss a good thing until its gone and right now I need you back…because with out you I can’t continue to be…I feel that and I need to get my act together before its too late.

Its what happened to Whitney Houston you know? Same story. She continued her cycle of neglect until she could no longer sing. She lost her voice, her talent, her gift to the world and before she could get it back as she promised she fell again and then she transitioned. Death doesn’t scare me, I am not afraid but how will I be remembered is the question? I have so many things I want to accomplish with the world and I need us to bring them to light. So my dearest, sweetest heart, I want you to know I Love you and I get it. Please allow me another chance to make things right with you again…I want to be with you…I want us…I am in love with you…I am Love with you…(pause…feeling you right now)

I remember us…

What therefore God hath joined together, no man CAN put asunder.

I am Us…

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