Tiya’s Entry – Day #21 – Sweet Tea
I always dreamed of curling up into a relationship like I would a good book, while swinging in a hammock, on a sunny day, while sipping sweet iced tea…Im starting to think I was delirious.
Was it a fairy tale? Is it even possible to be in complete bliss in a relationship?
Those are the million dollar questions and I am learning that relationships today are becoming more of a battle of wits, instead of a meeting of the minds. Take me for example, most times when someone calls me out on something or tells me off and I know I deserve it or I needed to hear it, I accept it 100%. If someone says, I hurt their feelings or did wrong by them, I apologize without a moment of hesitation. However I am learning that not everyone is me and sometimes people dont like to hear what they did “wrong”. They feel its an attack of their character and they take it quite personally. In my naïveté, I thought, in relationships, you’re closer to your partner than anyone else so you can be raw and real with your partner. This is the same person that you share your body with, so if you cant be real with them, who can you be real with?
Ay and I had a terrible argument that spanned the course of two days, starting on our 1 month anniversary no less, and it started out with me stating how I felt negatively triggered about the followers of someone he follows religiously, and it went so left it was unbelievable. I didn’t insult anyone, I even said placing people on a pedestal was a major trigger for me. Well regardless, the conversation ended with him diagnosing me of issues he thought I had and giving me tools and a website to get myself together and fix my so called problems. In that moment, I realized I didn’t have what it takes. Whatever I’m doing in my relationships, my men find it despicable. Now the girls who dog them out and dont care about them, get the flowers and the candy and the Chipotle, I get a 800 number and self-help brochure. And perhaps I am crazy, the bad kind, but Im starting to think its probably best if I stay crazy and to myself and that way no one gets hurt.
I really thought we had what it took to survive but that was perhaps my dreams of sipping sweet tea that blinded me to the reality of relationships…relationships are hard work? I still refuse to believe that but if thats what I keep being faced with perhaps I need to get my head out of the clouds and face the reality of the situation instead of my dream.
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